Leaving
Im leaving university in two days time and its a really weird feeling. I dont feel ready to go. Ive started packing, and its so strange putting your life back into boxes. I know its a chance to start over, and thats good, but im also scared by change. Ive survived a lot more than i ever could these last 6 months so hopefully il be ok.
I had a crazy moment last night. I started being all neurotic and stupid, and im so ashamed of it now. I dont like that part of me. Last night the demons won.
Yesterday was 6 months since Al died. I was ok, but then ended up howling by the sea, just crying my head off. I hadnt even realised i needed to until i did. Afterwards i felt calmer, more rational again. As if im in control again.
I dont want to leave and i keep finding myself being sad, but im trying not to waste the time i have. Cant believe its nearly time to start over again.
Tired
Today i am feeling tired, low and flat. Its probably because i couldnt sleep until half 3 last night, even though i slept til half 11 this morning. I always feel guilty when i sleep late, as i feel like ive wasted most the day. I dont really have anything to do though so its not that much of a problem. I have things planned for this afternoon, and hopefully they will help shift me from this mood. Im going to have a bath too.
Today the world feels dark, grey and black. I wish things were easier.
I sometimes think about writing a book about all this, about being 20, about the last 6 months and how no-one knows what is another person’s head. I dont know if i could, or if anyone would want it though. I just dont know anything any more.
Id stopped writing on here as much but i guess im back now. It makes me feel a little more connected, if only to strangers.
Thoughts
Im having one of those nights where i can’t sleep. Its ironic because i left a night out early because i was tired and now im too awake. Well not really awake, more not ready for sleep. If that makes any sense.
I just watched The Proposal, which is a good romantic comedy. Its a genre of film i like because i know that it will end well. Life doesn’t, I know that. Id like things to work out well for once, for things to fall into place. Right now i just feel lost and directionless. There isnt a purpose to my life.
I think i will probably just have a year out working, and then do a masters. Its seems to simple put like that. But im not completely sure i want to do a masters, or if im good enough. or what sort, or where. I dont know whats going to happen in the time between. I dont know who i will meet, or what i will do.
I dont like this uncertainty. I know its supposed to be exciting, the most free i will ever be. But its just scary. I dont know and cant see where my life is headed. I have a great family but i still feel like im disconnected from the world, like i dont really have any roots. As if i could just drift off and no one would notice.
I know im just feeling like this because im grieving, and because uni life is coming to an end. Its a big change. You spend 3 years settling in somewhere, and then its time to leave. Im not ready to go yet, but i dont have a choice.
I want to be able to relax, to just see where life takes me. But i cant seem to let go enough, to stop worrying. I just wish there was someting i cared enough about to follow, a passion or an ideal. And a person who cared enough about me to stay.
You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.
And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.
And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.
And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly. Amen.
“
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Aaron Freeman “You Want A Physicist To Speak at your Funeral”
(source: npr)
“We who mourn continue the heat of our own lives”. Damn.
(via lonelyheartsdeathmetal)
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The desire to run
I havent written on here in a while, and i only ended up here tonight by accident really. Theres things running round my head though so i thought i might write. Every so often i get the urge to run away, from everything. Im so tired. I want a new start, a clean beginning, where nobody knows me and i can start again. I dont think it would ever work though.
Ive been thinking a lot about Al and my grandma lately. I miss them so much, and memories of them keep coming back. Really vividly. Of going to buy pine nuts in Morrisons with my grandma, of her teaching me to play piano, of talking about Pride and Prejudice. Memories that are still there in my head, and which still hurt. I thought i was getting better, but these last couple of days im not so sure. I feel like a mess again. Maybe its because im home, maybe its because ive been less busy than usual. Either way my head hasnt been a fun place to be recently. Im just so tired of trying, of keeping going. The wounds are still there, i still ache. I had quite a lot of alcohol with dinner tonight, which was a mistake because its let all these emotions loose. I shouldnt drink. Or think.
Time keeps passing. Everyone says how well ive been doing. Im worried now that its all starting to catch up with me. I have to keep moving, not let it. Finish my degree, leave Aber. Then maybe have the time to process things better. Or not, if i have to get a job. I want to run away from it all. I wish i could.
I havent felt great all day today, and i still dont. Im just so tired. I forced myself to go to my seminar this morning even though i felt like crap, as its the only one i have all week. I dont want to get into a routine where i dont go to it. Even though i hadnt done the prep for it i still managed to say a few things though. I spent the afternoon in bed reading, went to a friends for a film and dinner, and then to tkd.
I havent done any diss work today. I realised when someone at tkd asked me about it that i have actually progressed from worry to apathy. At the moment i dont really care about it if im honest. Im debating about going to talk to other members of staff about how i am struggling and could do with more guidance than im currently getting, but ive yet to make up my mind what im doing.
Tomorrow looks set to be a busy day. I need to buy some bread, wash my hair, pack, collect my train tickets and possibly wash my bedding, all before half 3. I also have counselling at 12. I dont know if it actually helps but im going to stick with it for a while longer. If i feel blank again tomorrow it could be interesting seeing her, as usually im feeling okish or functioning enough to get by, so it feels like we dont really get anywhere.
Im escaping to Sheffield this weekend to visit a friend and im glad. I think i need a break from dissertation and this place. Hopefully i will come back with a little more motivation and energy, rather than this tired blankness.
